I could have mohawked her pubes.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Four minutes until I can fart!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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