Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
