I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
