I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
