And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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