i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
