Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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