I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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