I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
