just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
