I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
