The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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