apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
