Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
