Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
