i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
