I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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