im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
