Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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