Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
