I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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