Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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