I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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