How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
