I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
