I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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