I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
