1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
