I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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