My liver just broke up with me...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
