I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
