Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
