you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
