so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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