If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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