May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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