I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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