now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
