Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
