it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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