I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
