'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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