hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
