I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
