Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
