Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
