i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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