She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
