I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
