3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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